It's Back....Kind of...

I got my mojo back. I think I just needed a break. I ran 15 miles this week. That's not bad.

I'm trying to take every other day off. My body likes that. I haven't gotten on a scale in a month, probably, and I don't plan on getting on one any time soon. I'm just going to go by the way that my clothes fit from now on.

It makes me a happier person.

What's Wrong With Me?

I have no gumption, no mojo, no get-up-and-go, no drive, no desire, no motivation, no feeling of pressure, no want, no need, no feeling of need, nothing, none at all, none what-so-ever, when it comes to running.

I ran that 1/2 marathon and now it is like pulling teeth to make myself run.

I am running little to none. I have run probably a total of 15 miles or so since the 1/2 marathon.

Do I suck?

Is this normal?

What is wrong with me?

I hardly even care either. That's the worst part, or I guess it should be the worst part.

I ran 3.5 on Friday and then nothing on Saturday. I had all intentions of running today, but it hasn't happened and now that I'm done putting up Christmas decorations I don't feel like it.

I can't run tomorrow because I have to see patients.

And I'm not justifying anything. I honestly have no desire to run, whereas for about a year now, and especially in the two months leading up to the 1/2 marathon, I had a burning desire in my veins every day to run and run and run some more.

Now? Nothing.

What is up with that? Anybody want to give me some advice? Words of wisdom? What the hell is wrong with me and when will my burning desire to run come back? Because right now I just don't give a flying frack. And I don't want to be like that.

But I'm lazy. And I don't want to run.

Slippery Leaves and Bleeding Nips

I have not posted because I have been sore beyond belief and basically just drinking beer and stuff, so screw this blog.

But, really....here is my race report...

Monday: Day of rest because I ran 8 miles on Sunday. All was good.

Tuesday: I was supposed to run, but I felt as though I had been hit by a truck so I decided, with Elphie's help, that I needed another day of rest. I was so tired.

Wednesday: I ran 3 miles. I wanted to do more. It was hard making myself do little to nothing last week, it really was. But I'm glad I did.

Thursday: Dog woke me up at 4:30am. Day of rest, started with the Immodium. I know that is bad, but I was determined not to have a mid-race poop fest. Been there, done that, not happy, not pleasant.

Friday: Dog woke me up at 4:45am. Had a meeting that morning. Was overwhelmed by the time I got out of the meeting, stayed in my office and did a little more work, had not brought lunch because I did not plan on getting overwhelmed and thought I would leave right after the meeting. In my overwhelmed state, I drove to Arby's and got a combo. Stupid. Even more stupid when I saw the price of said combo, which is why I will never go back to Arby's again, even though it was tasty. It was not worth what I paid for it, which I am embarrassed to type here.

Drove home while I ate, got home, put my stuff away, got all of my stuff out for the race, laid it out.....pants, shirt, running bra, pinned the bib to the shirt, heart rate monitor, Body Glide, socks, shoes, visor, iPod charged and ready, ear buds, directions, parking information.....and then proceeded to begin working again. I was supposed to pick Bailee up at her grandparents at 5pm, so I had plenty of time to get some work done.

At 4:40 I decided to feed the dogs before I left the house. I got a can of dog food out of the cabinet and noticed that it was kind of dented, but I didn't think anything of it. I pulled the tab on the top to open it and it sounded like a gun went off. The top of the can flew out of my hand, food blew all over my clothes, my face, the cabinets and the ceiling. Not kidding. The food was sizzling, popping, foaming out of the can. I thought I would hurl. Even more than that, I got really disturbed thinking that someone had poisoned the food. I gave the dog a can of gravy over her dry food, left the gunpowder can of food in the sink, and called Bryan to tell him to buy more food at Walmart on his way home. "But I just bought 24 cans of food". Yes, buy more. I was seriously freaked out.

Went to get Bailee, of course I was late, which I'm sure went over well, but I mean, I don't care. We went to Applebee's because I didn't want to cook. I had a grilled chicken salad and it was gross. I was in a mood by then. Came home. By now I was hideously exhausted from getting up too early two days in a row. I went to bed early.

Saturday morning: Woke up at 4:30am. It was raining cats and dogs outside, literally. Thundering a bit. To add insult to injury, it was humid outside. I hate living here, seriously. It is November. Is it too much to ask for November weather? I kept checking my iPhone to see the weather....it was going to be chilly, according to that. I mean, what to do? The girl in me who gets excited about buying running gear really wanted to wear her outfit that she bought several months ago with cold weather running in mind. My pink compression long-sleeved $50 shirt. That's what I wanted to wear. I was definitely wearing my running capris. I asked Bryan what shirt he thought I should wear and he immediately started in on the idea that I should not wear the capris....he said if it rained they would be terribly uncomfortable. In my frenzy, I stated, "I'm wearing these pants" and he was like, "Okaaaaaaaayyyyy". I decided to wear the long sleeved shirt and take my shirt I got for signing up for the race with me for backup. By the way, that shirt was ugly as hell. See Lavoy in the pictures below for proof.

With my bag of clothes in hand, we got in the car and took the hour-long drive to Richmond. It was not that bad....the rain seemed to be letting up. We got to Richmond and the traffic was pretty slow, lots of people trying to get to the same place and, of course, roads were blocked off for the race. Lavoy kept trying to call me on my cell to tell me where to meet him and my phone kept cutting off. That started really, really pissing me off, because as most of you runners know everything is magnified times 10 or 20 on the morning of a race when you are just trying to get to the start line. I decided to call Lavoy back using Bryan's cell and we figured out where to meet.

The parking deck was closed and we noticed a lot of cars waiting in line to get into this one parking lot. Bryan was like, "Fuck this" and drove off, only to find the back way to the parking lot. There were cones blocking it off but he drove over the sidewalk, which wasn't very high. He pulled up to this dude who was taking money for parking and said, "I came in the wrong way". The guy looks at him and says, "How did you get in here? Everything was blocked off." Bryan said, "Somebody moved the cones" and the dude says, "I think you moved them" which was totally kind of true but his audacity pissed me off with me being all pre-race psycho and all at that point.

Bryan parked the car, paid the dude, and we walked. The street was packed. The youth chorus was singing the Pledge of Allegiance on the steps of the Library of Virginia. It was really pretty. It made me, as usual, want to live in Richmond, or anywhere, where the Pledge of Allegiance sounded like that and wasn't sung by some bleach-blonde tramp in a cowgirl get-up holding a Marlboro, but I digress.

We could not find Lavoy at first. Bailee got a clapper thingie and a plastic megaphone dealy-deal from the "Donate Life" table, which was the sponsor of the event. Bryan's mom had a bilateral lung transplant 2 years ago, so this was meaning a lot to him. He wears a green "Donate Life" bracelet every day, and he got a new one from the table.

After several phone calls, I found Lavoy. It was time for the 8K participants to take off, so we watched them. Then, the corrals started filling up for the 1/2. Lavoy was in corral 2 and I was in corral 4. Lavoy had on the shirt we got for signing up and some shorts. I decided to keep what I had on, because it was chilly at that point. Lavoy was not happy with me at this point. He told me today, Monday, at lunch, that every time he heard thunder and saw lightning during his sleepless Friday night, he said, "I hope that lightning just hit Jen Den".

Well, we took off. I took off slowly. I decided I was going to run "my race" and that I was not going to worry about time....but secretly I wanted to do it in 2:30:00 or less. The first 1/2 mile or so was really nice. I listened to my iPod for a while. Then that got old.

So I stopped listening to my iPod for a while. That got old. I did the whole negative self-talk thing for a while, and then I said "screw that". I did the best I could. I did start noticing in the second mile that I was hot. I looked around me and all I saw were T-shirts and shorts. Then I started freaking out that I was dressed too warmly. That whole freakish issue started. Dumbass. The things you will say to yourself when you are trying your best, ya know?

So. Whenever I felt like I really needed to walk, I would not allow myself. I kept pushing along. I just kept pushing along. I noticed that the third and fourth toe on my left foot felt as though they were trying to start a fire for a tribe on Survivor, but I kept pushing along. Eventually, I got to a water stop. At that point, I walked for a while. I developed a pattern: Stop for water, ask for two cups, drink one, pour the other on my head, allow myself to walk for 2 minutes. Eventually, that turned into drink half of one cup, pour the other half down the front of my shirt, pour the other whole cup over my head. That turned into drink half of a cup of water, pour the other half down the front of my shirt, pour the other whole cup over my head, drink a third cup which was filled with PowerAde.

By the end of all of those cycles of patterns my shirt was not drenched because it was manufactured well. However, my pants were soaked. I did not give a flying shit.

Mile 7....mile 8....why is this girl wearing a plastic shopping bag on her head? The sound of it is driving me crazy, put my iPod back on....mile 9....Why is that dude wearing hot pants, a feathered mask, and pink fishnets???......mile 10...at the water stop this dude is screaming "Last call for alcohol!!!" and seriously has a table of shot glasses filled with Jack Daniels....WTF????? Where is mile 10?! Oh, I am on mile 11.....I get a sudden burst of energy. I am running faster than I have EVER run in my life.....Oh, thank you God....wait. I'm tired.....Mile 12......oh, where is mile 13? Where is mile 13? So, when I get to mile 13 I have to actually run another mile to make it 13 miles, right??? RIGHT!?!?! I mean, WTF???? What the hell man? Seriously? Why did that lady just tell me to smile because I'm having fun? I will kick an old woman in the sternum, I seriously will. I mean it.......OH!!! MILE 13!!!! Wait...I'm not done? DAMN! 0.1 mile is a long damn way!!!!!!

There's the finish line! Oh sweet Jeebus!!!! I'm running with all my might. I see Bryan. He is snapping pictures (none of which turned out too good, but he really tried), and I see Lavoy....Lavoy, who said, "THANKS..." really smart-assish when he got in his corral, is smiling now....he is cheering! He is smiling and cheering. He doesn't hate me for talking him into this!

I go across the finish line and I literally feel like my legs are going to rot off. My feet are screaming profanities at me. They give me my medal, which is also ugly, and I limp off to find Bryan and Bailee. They find me, we hug, I immediately start whining, and then Bryan tells me that Lavoy is "bleeding a little bit from where his shirt chaffed him". I'm all like, "Oh really?" and then I walk up and see this:

Well, I mean, of course I laughed. I couldn't help it. Of all the injuries, this is what he ends up with?????? LOL!!!! LMAO!!!!!

We watched the rest of the people come in and then the marathoners started coming in. Of course the winner was a dude from Kenya. He ran the entire marathon in 2:22:22. Can you believe that shit?

Lavoy ended up doing it in about 2:00:00. I went 8 minutes over my goal and came in at 2:38:10. I was disappointed....but still proud that I did it. I wish I could run faster. Maybe one day. I burned over 1,700 calories. But I put them back on at the restaurant we went to afterwards where I had two beers, a bowl of french onion soup, a crabcake sandwich, and onion rings. Bryan bought me a piece of Snickers Pie, but I didn't eat it there. I fell asleep on the way home, woke up, ate my pie, took a bath, got in bed and slept all afternoon, and then ate pizza and drank more beer for dinner.

Now, I begin my 3-day-a-week running. I will do 4 miles, 5 miles, and 6 miles a week. I'm going to try that for a while. My body is tired. That's my plan, and I have asked Bryan to help me stick to it. I've really been kind of mean to myself and my body for a while now. Time to take it back a notch. Just for a little while, at least.

My Race....

...is tomorrow.

My first 1/2 marathon is tomorrow.

I never thought I would ever be saying that, but it's tomorrow.

To be continued...

Ready As I'm Gonna Get

Well, the 1/2 Mary is this weekend. In 5 days, to be exact. I'm as ready as I'm gonna get. I kind of petered out here at the end. I ran 13 miles in a training run so I know I can do that again plus the .01 that makes it a 1/2 marathon.

I got so tired. I understand now, or really probably don't, what it is like to actually train for something. I don't know how athletes do it. I can't imagine. I tore my body up doing this.

My sacroiliac joint is frigged up. The groin pain I was experiencing progressed to groin and tailbone pain. Looked it up, it's the sacroiliac joint, a common running injury.

It's been hard to take it easier here lately. The training did a job on my mind as far as running goes. If I don't suffer I don't think I've done anything.

Reggie says I'm anorexic. Not anorexic as far as food, but anorexic as far as exercise. I feel compelled to do something every single day. That's really not healthy.

I think, after the race, I'm going to do 3 days of running a week for my cardiovascular health. That's gonna be it, I think. I am not trying to be a life-long marathon runner. I will be happy with a 10K every other month or so and a half marathon once, or maybe twice, a year.

Other than that, I need to learn how to be happy with my body and stop being so damn hard on myself. I feel stupid even saying this where people can read and comment on it, but I'm bordering on thinking I need therapy to just accept my body the way it is. Really, it's not that bad. I'm never gonna be a model.

So. That's that. I'm gonna run 3 miles tomorrow and 3 or 4 on Wednesday and that's it until Saturday. After that, it's gonna be three days of running per week with one of those days being a long run, but no more than probably 6 miles.

Oh, I forgot to even talk about yesterday's run. It was 8 miles. The first 2 miles or so are always killer, for me anyway. I have all sorts of negative talk going on and then all of the sudden it's like I hit a plateau or something or I get in a zone and it just doesn't phase me much anymore. I find myself wanting to quit out of boredom, after that point. I have to talk myself into going on.

I think at the 1/2 this Saturday there will be so much excitement that I won't need my iPod. There will be so many spectators and bands along the way. I'll probably have it on me...but won't start off listening to it. I love listening to everyone yelling along the streets of Richmond. It's really cool. Even the ones acting like jackasses are pretty funny to listen to.

I'm anxious, but I'm ready. Or, as ready as I'm gonna get.

Good Learning Run

....is what I will call the suck ass run I had today, thanks to "Chi Running". Um, supposedly there is no such thing as a "bad" run. It's a good learning run, or something along those lines. My body was telling me things and I needed to listen, supposedly.

So, this is what has "gone down" since my last blog.

I have felt like major shit. Seriously. We went out last Friday night for a girls' night and it was fun. I had a good time. Got a little buzz, didn't get shit-faced...stayed up really late, had broken sleep all night and it just rolled over into Saturday. On Saturday, in my normal fashion, I kept saying I would lie down and take a nap and it never happened. We had a party to go to that night so we went. I really didn't want to, but I also wanted to show up for my friend who had planned the thing to great lengths....so we went.

When we got in the car on Saturday night after the party, I completely passed out. I mean, I was gone. We got home, I changed my clothes, and crashed into bed.

Got up the next morning and set out for the 14 miles that my training schedule said I had to do. It was not a bad run (see previous blog) but I was having pain in my knee so I stopped at 11 miles. I don't want to get an injury and not be able to run the 1/2 Mary.

I didn't feel bad about that....I mean, for God's sake, I ran 11 miles. And it was not a bad run.

Sunday afternoon: Felt like hell. Tired. Worn out.

Monday: Felt like hell. Tired. Worn out. Little irritated.

Tuesday: Felt like hell. Tired. Worn out. Angry white woman. Also felt like crying because I was so tired.

I'm talking that bone-tired feeling. That dragged down, groggy, gross feeling. Not normal "Oh I'm a little tired" tired. No. I was exhausted. It was painful to get out of bed and painful to get things done all day long. So, I called and made a doctor's appointment for Wednesday afternoon.

Meanwhile, me and hubby got into a knock-down, drag-out about me wanting to run on Tuesday and him saying that I needed to take it easy. The whole speech about how I'm wearing my body out, I don't know when to quit, I don't know when to say "enough", etc, etc....then it turns into me having two jobs and me being stressed and me teaching both traditional and online and how that equals 3 jobs and I need to take it easy (he's saying all of this, not me)....

So, I call and make a doctor's appointment for Wednesday. Wednesday gets here and I'm tired, worn out, irritated, angry, sad, mad......

The doctor orders blood work since she did that about 1.5 years ago and my B12 was low. She says it ought to be fine now but she'll check it out. She also says that if the bloodwork comes back okay then I need to go see my OB-GYN and get a hormone level done. Okay. Fine.

Then she tells me I am depressed. I say to her, "No....I am not depressed....I don't feel sad about anything". Trust me, I've been depressed before. I've even been on meds for it and I don't mind telling anyone that. It happens, ya know? But I don't feel depressed.

She says that the symptoms I am having are indicative of somatic manifestations of depression. In other words, my body is telling me I am depressed. My body is telling me I am doing too much....too much mentally, first and foremost. Too, too much.

I tell her how much I am running and she looks at me like I've lost my mind. "Cut back," she says.

Then my WW peeps tell me that it is time to taper. I tell them that I have this training schedule that I am supposed to follow. "Nay," they say to me, "Nay."

So, Elphie helped me make up a tapering schedule to run. And it is killing me. I feel like I need to run more. But she says no. Sam says no. A lot of people say no.

What's funny to me is that I used to lift weights. I quit doing that after about 8 years or so. Then, I started just walking for cardio. Then I started running. When I used to walk I would walk about 30 minutes a day. Woo!!!! Not. Then when I started running I was happy if I could do a mile. Seriously.

Then, I remember running 4 miles a day for a while and thinking I was really the bomb. Then this training schedule came along. Mom asked me the other day, "How much did you run today?" and I said, "Just 4 miles" and she was like, "Oh....just 4 huh? AHAHAHHAHA" like I was insane.

When I run under 6 miles it's like I've done nothing. I guess that is what the 1/2 Mary training schedules are for....but it has really kind of messed me up as far as running short distances or, even worse, for when the race is over....I mean, what do I do then? What kind of schedule should I follow?

So weird....the things we do to ourselves, huh? It's a vicious circle. I mean, I have two jobs....I didn't need two jobs....it just kind of happened. "I can do this," I said to myself...then the masters degree came up and again I said, "I can do this" and worked two jobs and went to school full-time. How? I don't know. I hated every minute of it and was hysterically busy. When school was over I then went into a short depression of "What am I supposed to do with all this free time?" Stupid.

Now, I do need the two jobs....with the economy the way it is (thanks W!) and other variables, the nice "extra" money turned into needed money. And I bitch and moan about it and about being so busy but the thing is when I'm not busy I don't know what to do with my time. That's when it comes into play that I wish I lived somewhere with parks, museums, theaters, stuff to do, ya know? This place sucks. I hate it.

So. Now that I rambled for no reason at all I guess the point is that my run did not go well today. And it was "only" a 3-miler. I hope the next one goes better and I hope race day is not like this.

Whew....it's only 2 weeks away. I can't believe that.

This Race Needs to Come the Hell On Already

...because I am tired of training right now. I flat-out didn't want to run today. I'm tired from the weekend. We went to a concert in Norfolk on Friday night (Uh Huh Her!) and I got little to no sleep that night. Then we had another party last night. I didn't really get drunk either night. I drank, trust me, but here lately I just get to a point and I'm like, "That's it! No more!"

I did have fun though. If you have Facebook or Myspace check out the pics.

So anyway, I was scheduled for 14 today. Why run 14 this week and 15 next week when the 1/2 is only 13.1 is beyond me. Whatever.

Long story short, of course the first 2 miles sucked....then I got back into that groove like last week when the running didn't really suck at all. I pretty much breezed through mile 3-10 and then my damn right knee started killing me. I could feel bone rubbing on bone, or so it felt. After 10 years of working in surgery and doing knee arthroscopies on people all the time, I was envisioning all sorts of horror inside that knee.

Also, I have this weird pain in my right groin/lower abdomen/pelvic area that comes up when I run and then it hurts for a day or so afterward whenever I go to lie down or sit back. Again, the OR Nurse in me has diagnosed herself with a right inguinal hernia.

Basically, I quit at mile 11. So, I'm a quitter. What the hell ever. I didn't even want to run today.

I don't know what kind of schedule I will follow when the 1/2 is over....but these long-ass runs on Sunday are welcome to be over at any time....and soon. It takes my whole day to get up, get ready, run, get home and pig out because I'm starving, and then lay around all day. I do plan to keep doing something like 4 days of running a week, something like maybe 3 miles, 4 miles, 5 miles, and then...let's say 8 miles on the long day? I don't know yet. I just don't want to lose my stamina.

I stink.

I also just ate too much food but dammit it was good and I just don't seem to care lately. I know that is bad. I read an interesting blurb in my Entertainment magazine that Cheryl Burke from Dancing With the Stars got blasted in the media for gaining weight. Um, what? Have you seen that chick? She is so not overweight. And she said that it hurt her feelings at first and that she thought about not eating for like 4 days or something but then she said, "You know what? I'm an athlete. I like to work out, and I like to eat. I like to be healthy. So fuck you." Except she didn't say the fuck you part. I just added that because I think she should have said fuck you. Whoever thinks she is fat is a moron.

So anyway, yeah, I need to pay more attention to what I eat. But I am an athlete. And I can say that because of how much I run. I am an athlete. So me and Buns just ate some fries. But Buns is not an athlete. Buns is on a diet.

Whatev.