Good Learning Run

....is what I will call the suck ass run I had today, thanks to "Chi Running". Um, supposedly there is no such thing as a "bad" run. It's a good learning run, or something along those lines. My body was telling me things and I needed to listen, supposedly.

So, this is what has "gone down" since my last blog.

I have felt like major shit. Seriously. We went out last Friday night for a girls' night and it was fun. I had a good time. Got a little buzz, didn't get shit-faced...stayed up really late, had broken sleep all night and it just rolled over into Saturday. On Saturday, in my normal fashion, I kept saying I would lie down and take a nap and it never happened. We had a party to go to that night so we went. I really didn't want to, but I also wanted to show up for my friend who had planned the thing to great lengths....so we went.

When we got in the car on Saturday night after the party, I completely passed out. I mean, I was gone. We got home, I changed my clothes, and crashed into bed.

Got up the next morning and set out for the 14 miles that my training schedule said I had to do. It was not a bad run (see previous blog) but I was having pain in my knee so I stopped at 11 miles. I don't want to get an injury and not be able to run the 1/2 Mary.

I didn't feel bad about that....I mean, for God's sake, I ran 11 miles. And it was not a bad run.

Sunday afternoon: Felt like hell. Tired. Worn out.

Monday: Felt like hell. Tired. Worn out. Little irritated.

Tuesday: Felt like hell. Tired. Worn out. Angry white woman. Also felt like crying because I was so tired.

I'm talking that bone-tired feeling. That dragged down, groggy, gross feeling. Not normal "Oh I'm a little tired" tired. No. I was exhausted. It was painful to get out of bed and painful to get things done all day long. So, I called and made a doctor's appointment for Wednesday afternoon.

Meanwhile, me and hubby got into a knock-down, drag-out about me wanting to run on Tuesday and him saying that I needed to take it easy. The whole speech about how I'm wearing my body out, I don't know when to quit, I don't know when to say "enough", etc, etc....then it turns into me having two jobs and me being stressed and me teaching both traditional and online and how that equals 3 jobs and I need to take it easy (he's saying all of this, not me)....

So, I call and make a doctor's appointment for Wednesday. Wednesday gets here and I'm tired, worn out, irritated, angry, sad, mad......

The doctor orders blood work since she did that about 1.5 years ago and my B12 was low. She says it ought to be fine now but she'll check it out. She also says that if the bloodwork comes back okay then I need to go see my OB-GYN and get a hormone level done. Okay. Fine.

Then she tells me I am depressed. I say to her, "No....I am not depressed....I don't feel sad about anything". Trust me, I've been depressed before. I've even been on meds for it and I don't mind telling anyone that. It happens, ya know? But I don't feel depressed.

She says that the symptoms I am having are indicative of somatic manifestations of depression. In other words, my body is telling me I am depressed. My body is telling me I am doing too much....too much mentally, first and foremost. Too, too much.

I tell her how much I am running and she looks at me like I've lost my mind. "Cut back," she says.

Then my WW peeps tell me that it is time to taper. I tell them that I have this training schedule that I am supposed to follow. "Nay," they say to me, "Nay."

So, Elphie helped me make up a tapering schedule to run. And it is killing me. I feel like I need to run more. But she says no. Sam says no. A lot of people say no.

What's funny to me is that I used to lift weights. I quit doing that after about 8 years or so. Then, I started just walking for cardio. Then I started running. When I used to walk I would walk about 30 minutes a day. Woo!!!! Not. Then when I started running I was happy if I could do a mile. Seriously.

Then, I remember running 4 miles a day for a while and thinking I was really the bomb. Then this training schedule came along. Mom asked me the other day, "How much did you run today?" and I said, "Just 4 miles" and she was like, "Oh....just 4 huh? AHAHAHHAHA" like I was insane.

When I run under 6 miles it's like I've done nothing. I guess that is what the 1/2 Mary training schedules are for....but it has really kind of messed me up as far as running short distances or, even worse, for when the race is over....I mean, what do I do then? What kind of schedule should I follow?

So weird....the things we do to ourselves, huh? It's a vicious circle. I mean, I have two jobs....I didn't need two jobs....it just kind of happened. "I can do this," I said to myself...then the masters degree came up and again I said, "I can do this" and worked two jobs and went to school full-time. How? I don't know. I hated every minute of it and was hysterically busy. When school was over I then went into a short depression of "What am I supposed to do with all this free time?" Stupid.

Now, I do need the two jobs....with the economy the way it is (thanks W!) and other variables, the nice "extra" money turned into needed money. And I bitch and moan about it and about being so busy but the thing is when I'm not busy I don't know what to do with my time. That's when it comes into play that I wish I lived somewhere with parks, museums, theaters, stuff to do, ya know? This place sucks. I hate it.

So. Now that I rambled for no reason at all I guess the point is that my run did not go well today. And it was "only" a 3-miler. I hope the next one goes better and I hope race day is not like this.

Whew....it's only 2 weeks away. I can't believe that.